


Life Carries on Endlessly (Even After Death)

by blazingstar29



Series: One Seccond Too Late [4]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Romance, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Asexual Eggsy Unwin, Asexuality Spectrum, Depression, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Harry Hart Lives, Homophobic Language, Hurt Harry Hart, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kissing, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Merlin Is So Done (Kingsman), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Eggsy Unwin, Romance, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Suicide Attempt, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:00:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25877830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blazingstar29/pseuds/blazingstar29
Summary: Title inspired by Saturn - Sleeping at LatPart three in the One Second Too Late series-Life doesn't just rewind when something comes back. There is trauma and pain and Harry Hart.Eggsy Unwin is learning to live again, it's not as easy as it was before.
Relationships: Harry Hart | Galahad & Merlin, Harry Hart | Galahad/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, Merlin & Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, Roxy Morton | Lancelot & Gary "Eggsy" Unwin
Series: One Seccond Too Late [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1720033
Comments: 17
Kudos: 26





	1. Time To Start Again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TinyDarkCreature0](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinyDarkCreature0/gifts), [AnnaofAza](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaofAza/gifts).



> We're back baby!
> 
> Dedicated to my most loyal reader and my favourite Kingsman writer :)
> 
> A quick reminder about ages (something that has slipped my mind)
> 
> Eggsy: 19 turning twenty  
> Harry Hart: Mid thirties  
> Merlin: Late thirties  
> Roxy: Mid twenties
> 
> I've dialled down the ages a tiny bit but all the characters look pretty much the same. It's confusing, I'm sorry.
> 
> We also have a sound track!
> 
> The song for this Chapter is Unfolding Arms by Dodie!
> 
> Aside from that, welcome to part three of the One Second Too Late series!

The Kingsman Manor was a stately building. It was expansive and sat upon many acres of English countryside. It was tucked away from the rest of the world, known to only a few. The Manor was the sun of the Kingsman solar system. For those in its orbit, it was the last place to be considered a sanctuary. It housed many and was considered a second home for others. A sanctuary wasn’t quite it. But for Eggsy Unwin, the Kingsman Manor was a sanctuary. Some days it felt more like a prison, but it was home. The closest thing to home for a long time.

If that was the case, why did Eggsy feel like a stranger?

There had been little prejudice directed towards Eggsy, so that surely wasn’t it. He was never made to feel on the outside (his head did a good job of doing that however).

The problem wasn’t any of these, it was something much bigger (six foot two exactly). The problem was Harry Hart and his lack of continual presence.

You see, Harry and Eggsy haven’t spoken. Not properly, not really. And that was causing problems. And those problems typically looked like this.

-

Eggsy still resided in the Kingsman Manor, still in the midst of his rehab plan. One morning, on one of his days off Eggsy was roaming the halls of the manor, leaning towards going to the library but largely indifferent. His wanders had become a pass time. At first worrying Roxy that he was masking episodes of dissociating until he brought her along and she realised. It was peaceful as they explored the bowels of the manor and the surrounding lands. Eggsy’s disposition to find peace in a bog was unfathomable to Roy. But exploring the countryside was something Eggsy found great pleasure in. Roxy was just happy that he was okay.

He turned down one of the elegant halls and came face to face with a ghost. Harry stared at him, Eggsy’s chest constricted as he tried to breathe because _Harry Hart is dead. dead. dead. dead. alive._

Without acknowledging Harry, Eggsy marched away. Pushing down the great big monster in his chest before it swallowed him whole. Eggsy held himself tensely as he looked for Roxy. Someone to ground him. He quickly found her in her room. Eggsy threw the door open and stood in the door frame rigidly. Roxy looked at him curiously for a moment before she saw the tears in his eyes, and she knew. It wasn’t the first time it had happened since Harry at come back to Kingsman. Eggsy and Harry danced around each other, avoiding the great big abyss between them. Deep down, Eggsy too scared to reach out to take that leap of faith. To jump and see if Harry would catch him. Because history had proved time and time again he would fall.

“It happened again didn’t it?” She asked softly holding out her hand. Eggsy nodded and weakly shut the door. Stiffly he crawled onto the bed alongside Roxy who pulls him in tightly, carding her fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry eggs.”

“I’m so stupid, I keep forgetting he’s here and this keeps happening,” he sniffles into her side. Eggsy’s damaged soul and mind wasn’t coping well with Harry’s abrupt reappearance. Roxy hushes him and just draws him tighter, as if her bare hands could protect him from everything that would try to hurt him.

-

Across the manor Harry felt like a weight was tied to his waist. Every step was felt old and pained. His arrival back at Kingsman was not what he expected. It seemed the world had moved on and changed dramatically during his ‘death’. Merlin looked exhausted; his brow weighed heavy. Percival outwardly appeared no different, but there to was something bubbling beneath the surface. And Eggsy, dear Eggsy was not there at his arrival. At least now when he was departing the plane. He had caught a glimpse of Eggsy vacating the Kingsman landing strip just as Harry appeared at the top of the stairs. The one person Harry wanted to see, and he wasn’t there. In fact, he had run away. Merlin had stuck his story of the events; “something happened. It’s been dealt with. He will tell you when he’s ready.”

Harry had been back at Kingsman for two weeks, and he was getting close to the end of his tether.

“Merlin it happened _again_. He came around a corner saw me and ran off! He looked like he saw a ghost!” Harry gripped dropping down into Merlin’s couch. The man in question glared at him from his desk.

“Harry,” Merlin ground out. “That’s because you are a ghost. You think he can just go back to seeing you the same way, just like that?”

Harry understood, he _really_ did. Something had happened, something truly dramatic whilst he was dead. Whatever it was it had impacted all of them, and it centred around Eggsy. That worried Harry endlessly, because the reality is Eggsy is the most vulnerable out of any of them. Harry just wanted to know so he could help him. To be back in his life again, to be his supporter, that’s all he wanted. To just be _there_. But Eggsy wasn’t letting him.

And Harry needed to know _why._

“Merlin, please. Something happened now I’m back and everything has changed. Eggsy is hurting I want to be there for him,” Harry pleaded again. “Please just tell me.” Merlin gave him a hard stare, Harry refused to shirk to it.

“Whatever you do Hart, do not, and I repeat,” Merlin spoke quietly, dangerously. “Do not go looking for the answers, when the time is right, Eggsy will tell you. If you go snooping, you will not get back in his life. Because we both know, if you do, he will forgive you. You go looking for the answers and I will personally remove you from the face of this earth do you understand me?”

Harry frowned and tilted his head. The threat was not empty, he knows that. All it did was grow concern. The world has changed and there was no going back. There are no do overs, no what ifs. The collateral damage of his brief death was far greater than he expected. And the truth was, it was his own cocky mistake that inhibited his ability to return home. To be there for Eggsy no matter what had happened.

“I just want to be there for him. He’s blanking me at every turn, I don’t know what to do.”

“Harry, saying nothing when you run in to him and letting him walk away is not going to progress the situation!” Merlin was exasperated.

Harry scoffed in return, “then what am I meant to do?” Merlin’s eyes widened in shock at the plea, he rolled his eyes.

“What are you meant to do!” Merlin grouched with heat in his voice. “Yer the one who’s fucking in love with him!”

Harry leaned forward from the couch towards where Merlin sat at his desk, “this isn’t the Eggsy I know nor the one you know, don’t lie Merlin. This isn’t the Eggsy I fell in love with!”

Merlin sat quietly, staring into space. Not acknowledging Harry’s presence for a few moments before swinging his gaze back around.

“Listen to me Harry Hart. If you’re going to carry on with that bullshit of ‘this isn’t the Eggsy that I know’ I’m going to stop, you right there. Eggsy is still that same lad that saw you off as you went to Kentucky. You are just refusing to open your eyes.”

“Merlin,”

“Get out. Get out and evaluate where you want to stand. Because when it comes to being your friend and keeping Eggsy safe I will not hesitate to look after Eggsy.”

Harry’s eyes went out on stalks, his mouth agape. He wasn’t surprised that Merlin would look out for Eggsy’s interest before Harry’s. But the accusation he wasn’t prepared to be there for the Eggsy post Harry’s ‘death’…

It hurt because for a weak, unpredictable moment. It was true.

-

Eggsy’s sniffling died out rather quickly. Roxy’s choice distraction was to enlist Eggsy in helping him in helping her remember the important guests at a gala for an upcoming mission. Eggsy was eager for the distraction.

Eggsy held up photo of a pasty white man with different coloured eyes.

“Jeremy Brazman, 42, robin hood philanthropist, working for Samsung offices.”

Eggsy held up a photo of a blond man and Roxy’s face immediately twisted.

“Ugh, that’s going to make things difficult. Digby Barker, former Kingsman candidate in the Lancelot trials. Currently working as a wine connoisseur at his father’s business, which has gone down considerably. If he’s not wise enough he’ll try and suss out what happened to the position.”

Eggsy laughed at the underlying threat. Roxy knew when to let Eggsy process the mood himself or intervene to lift it. It’s what made their friendship work. Unbeknownst to anyone, Roxy still harboured great anxiety about Eggsy’s mental health. Unknowingly she had become hyperaware of Eggsy’s metal state at any given time. Roxy tried to keep Eggsy unawares of that fact. Worried he would shut her out.

Ever since Merlin had given her the call that Eggsy had attempted suicide and was being transported to the manor everything changed. She vowed to _never_ let him get that dark, that low, that alone. Listening to his outburst in the hospital room had been one of the hardest things she’d had to do. Because her lack of awareness was shoved into her face.

_“I’m stuck in a whirlpool going around and around and around and there’s no lifeguard to save me. I’m going to drown, and no one will know and maybe I want it that way maybe I want to drown because I don’t have any fucking reasons to keep on breathing!”_

She had been oblivious to Eggsy’s pain. Eggsy was her _friend_ and she had stood by as he hurt. 

_“So, with no one to hurt me might as well fucking hurt myself, yeah? No one’s going to see the scars, no one’s going to question burns, are they? It was never meant to hurt anyone else! It was only meant to hurt me but look where we are now! I’m just fucking up every single fucking thing.”_

Each word would vibrate around Roxy’s skull each night for weeks. After calling her old therapist a couple of time’s she got her head back in the game. It hurt to see Eggsy this way, it hurt more than she could tell. But Eggsy was getting better, they were all making sure of that.

Merlin, Cecilia, Percival, Brandon, Jamal and Ryan. All of them.

The battle with mental health was a battle they all knew Eggsy would fight for a long, long time. Perhaps his entire life. But with each of them on Eggsy’s side, there was no way they would let him lose. Eggsy had been between a rock and a hard place for years. Life was willing to kick him when he was down, but by some god given strength he got back up each time.

And now a new chapter was beginning. A chapter that promised life and love and warmth. Whilst it wasn’t guaranteed it was prayed for. But what none of them knew was the most unexpected chapter was about to begin. And nothing could prepare them for what happens next.


	2. Laugh Away The Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's almost Christmas, it's a good thing Roxy needs a plus one for Christmas dinner. Eggsy would be in a bit of a pickle if not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for the chapter: Intertwined
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING  
> *This chapter has homophobic language and discusses LGBT topics.
> 
> It starts here "No going back" and finishes at " "Anne, Marcus," Eugenia dressed Roxy's parents." "
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this, I lost interest for a while but forced myself to write this chapter. This definitely did not follow the plan had for this story lol!

Ever since Eggsy’s hospitalisation, Roxy’s attentiveness to his needs increased tenfold. It doesn’t help when she finds him dissociating on an isolated balcony. He’s perched on a chair out looking some moorland. Roxy sits down beside him and begins to make open-ended conversation.

“Have you seen the new Adidas jacket they’ve released? It’s really awful, you would love.”

“Honestly the mission in Iceland has gone tits up, if Merlin had any hair to loose, he’d be pulling it out.”

“Lady’s trying to get the cook to put the sugar back in the scones, I have to agree. They taste like shit.”

“Have you heard that new song, W-A-P? Truly a masterpiece!”

“…bit shite innit?” Eggsy murmured

“Honestly Eggsy I thought it’d be right up your ally.”

It was quiet and careful but slowly the light came back to Eggsy’s eyes. But between them the feelings could not be more different.

Roxy felt relief of being able to help Eggsy from his episode.

Eggsy felt gut curdling guilt.

-

The relief was short lived. Roxy still felt a rush of tension when she realised, she hadn’t seen Eggsy all day, before she wouldn’t have been _as_ worried, but now, with Harry’s return everything had changed.

It really didn’t help that Harry was fairly _fucking useless._

And maybe Roxy was biased towards Eggsy. Because Harry didn’t know what happened, he didn’t know any of it. But he wasn’t exactly trying either and for that he was not in Roxy’s good books by a country mile.

Eggsy had suffered greatly and it seemed Harry was resistant to actually connecting with Eggsy again. Like somehow Eggsy was supposed to make the first move.

 _Kingsman policy_ , Merlin says, _you can’t go and yell at him_.

Roxy didn’t care, she wasn’t to give Harry Hart a smack around the head. She was willing to go to the ends of the earth for her new friend, there was something about Eggsy that drew her in right from the beginning. He was charming but lacked any hubris of most young man. Life had beaten him down, yet he kept getting back every damn time. 

Roxy would fight a thousand super villains just for life to give Eggsy a break. And if Harry had to be a super villain in her eyes, so be it. If Harry wasn’t prepared to be a significant pillar of support for Eggsy, he didn’t deserve to be in Eggsy’s life.

-

As the days carried on closer to Christmas Roxy could _feel_ Eggsy’s anxiety growing. Before he could torment him self much further, Roxy intervened.

“Eggsy, what are you doing on Christmas day?” Roxy asked trailing after Eggsy as he organised stock orders.

“Uh, don’t know. Probably see the lads in the morning,” he avoided the question.

“Well,” Roxy says it as if the gods have sent her a message. “You’re coming to the family dinner. And yes, I have an ulterior motive, my great aunt is so fucking adamant that I have a boyfriend by the new year. And _of course,_ she’ll have a stroke if she finds out I actually have a girlfriend. So, when shall I pick you up?”

-

Without much more discussion Eggsy was accompanying Roxy to the Morton’s Christmas dinner. He spent the weeks leading up to Christmas desperately trying to figure what to get Roxy’s family.

“Eggsy honestly, you’ll be the present. They’ll be so excited to see you. Truly,” was all she said. Eggsy settled on an expensive champagne for Roxy’s mother and a bougie cologne. For her father.

So, with much, much trepidation Eggsy prepared for battle. (Read: Christmas dinner with some _really_ posh people).

The drive through the countryside was fun, yes it was pouring rain the entire time, but Eggsy and Roxy sung their way through Christmas carols and when they get sick of those they go through the songs on Roxy’s phone. The drive is two hours, much to Eggsy’s hesitancy Roxy persuaded him to stay the night. 

The regret really set in once Eggsy saw the estate that Roxy’s parents lived on. Vast rolling fields dotted with horses, a _lake._

The manor, not dissimilar in age to Kingsman, stood upon a hill.

“Rox…I know your folks are loaded but this is ridiculous…”

“C’mon Eggs, it’ll be fine. They will _love_ you,” Roxy gave him a pat on the shoulder. God knows she was worried, but Eggsy _could not_ know that.

The pair climbed the steps and Roxy shoved the key in the door.

_No going back._

-

Roxy’s great aunt _loved_ Eggsy. He laughed at all the right times and offered to top up her sherry glass. Likewise, with Roxy’s parents, they too thought Eggsy was marvellous.

It didn’t escape him that Roxy’s older brother kept sending her pointed glances. To which Roxy responded with a _don’t you dare_ face. It only went tits up when Roxy’s great aunt opened her mouth.

“We’re so relieved that Roxy’s found a nice man, we were all worried that she was gay for a while,” there was laughter from the older relatives as Eggsy, Roxy and her brother Andrew shot glances between each other.

“Why ever-”

“We’re not-”

“You actually-”

The three of them all started to speak indignantly before a realisation settled on Great Aunt Eugenia’s face.

“He is your boyfriend?”

“We’re just friends ma’am,” Eggsy said.

“I don’t see why it would matter if I was gay or not anyway,” Roxy muttered pushing gravy around her plate.

“Roxanne please,” her mother begged for peace at Christmas dinner.

“She’s gay?” Eugenia choked out with a gasp. “Is that true Roxanne, you’re a faggot?”

The table fell into a tense silent, Eggsy and Roxy boiling with anger.

“Eugenia,” Eggsy spoke first. “I don’t think that language is called for.”

Eugenia stuck her nose up stiffly, “it is disgusting.”

In the span of a few short seconds, everything from Eggsy’s psychological evaluation stood to attention. His fast to rise anger, his hero complex, his pride. They all rose to the surface, not only for the insult to himself but the insult to one of his best friends. He shot up, a hand snatching out behind him to grab the fancy chair before it toppled over.

“You are the disgusting one. The only thing disgusting in this room is your prejudice against someone for who they love. You are a part of the reason that LGBT youth are committing suicide, running away, being abused. _We_ have every single right to exist as you, right down to what makes up our cells we are the same,” Eggsy all but shouted. Roxy got up and fled the room. Eggsy saw her vanish and instantly felt small.

_You fucked up._

_You shoulda kept your mouth shut._

_You fucked it up for everyone._

“Anne, Marcus,” Eugenia addressed Roxy’s parents. “I don’t know who this young man is but I have never been so insulted in my family home in my life. Christopher and I will be leaving now. Eugenia and her husband rose and promptly left. The energy leaving the room and Eggsy realised he was still standing red in the fact. All eyes were on him.

“Mr and Mrs Morton, I am _so_ sorry I let my emotions get the better of me at your family affair. I, I will leave, I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry,” Eggsy stammered as he rushed out apologies. Marcus smiled kindly at Eggsy as he leaned over to clap Eggsy on the shoulder.

“That woman is a nightmare,” he said quietly to Eggsy. Some of the tension left Eggsy’s shoulders.

“I’m sorry. You guys continue with your meal, I will go find Roxy,” Eggsy apologised again and left in search of Roxy.

-

Eggsy found Roxy on a small patio, an English Shepard at her feet. She was sniffling quietly into the night.

_Your fault fuck-face._

“Rox, I’m so sorry. I should never have said anything,” Eggsy whispered sitting next to her. To his surprise Roxy laughed wetly.

“ _Thank you_ ,” she said. “Eugenia is a bitch, but I was never sure how my parents felt so I never spoke out.”

“Well, your father said she was a nightmare, so I don’t think you’re in the bad books just yet.”

The two laughed and leaned closer sharing warmth and watching the stars.

-

Back at Kingsman, where someone was playing a carol on a record player, the few lone Agents were retiring for the evening. Seemingly that even world destructors took a day off. Tucked away from the main agent rooms, where other staff resided was Eggsy’s room. The lights were out in the corridor aside from a few gold lamps.

And in that wing, in the dimly lit corridor, in Eggsy’s room was a bed. On that bed, was a small brown box. In that box was a small Christmas snow globe.

 _Merry Christmas,_ the tag read, _~H. Hart._


	3. I Wouldn't Like Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all turns to shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: You Wouldn't Like me (cover) - Sleeping At Last

Despite his best intentions, the brown box got to Eggsy. At first, he tried to ignore it but it invaded his every thought. Eggsy couldn’t stand to be in his room so he spent as much time as he could out of it. He hated applying cream to his burns in the same room as the box. It was a ridiculous notion, but it just felt _wrong_. Like he was lying to Harry. The again, Harry felt like a stranger, a man on the street. This wasn’t the Harry he knew, the Harry he knew was warm. This man was cold, Eggsy didn’t want to make him colder. There was an abyss of secrets between them.

It was safer this way. Harry could slot back into Kingsman and continue his perfect life before Eggsy fucked it up. Eggsy would get better and live alone again. They wouldn’t after to see each other, wouldn’t have to talk. They could be strangers. Maybe it was better that way, safer.

_Safer for who?_

The world is so cold. Eggsy can feel the energy beginning to drain from him again. It leaves him cold and drowsy and achy. It’s harder to wake up it’s harder to want to turn the hot water on in the shower. It’s harder to keep pretending. The days are fading with out any real meaning. But no one can worry about him, it’s not _that_ bad.

Because everything is okay, isn’t it?

Eggsy is needed. Roxy cares about him, that’s why she brought him to Morton Manor. People care about him, that’s why he can’t tell them. He can’t worry them. Eggsy sees the way Roxy looks at him sometimes, like she’s scared she’ll break him.

There was no one that didn’t look at him like that.

Except, maybe for Percival.

-

Eggsy found Percival in his office, the man was sitting at an oak desk.

“Excalibur, what can I do for you?” The older man greeted.

“Um,” Eggsy stammered from the doorway suddenly unsure of himself. Percival gestured towards one of the armchairs in his office. “Just wanted some company I guess.”

Eggsy stepped towards the armchair, he was still unsure around the man having not spent any large amount of time with him.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Percival prompted knowingly. Eggsy had drifted through his office occasionally, briefly but it had happened before. Percival was hoping that Eggsy would grow more comfortable and at ease. Percival had a stark realisation that perhaps Eggsy had sought him out because he was dissociation.

 _Fuck you Merlin, you did not tell me what to do in this situation_.

Thankfully, Eggsy shrugged from where he was seated, “just kinda wanted company. Didn’t want to stress Rox out. She thinks I’m glass already, don’t want to wig her out unless I’m sinking.”

It would be touching that Eggsy was so concerned for Roxy, except that it was partially the reason they ended up here. Eggsy kept things bundled up from his friends, as long as they didn’t hurt everything was fine. But then they swelled up like an ocean and it was almost impossible to cross them before it was to late.

“Noble motives Eggsy,” Percival agreed. “What’s ‘wigging’ you out then?”

Eggsy blew out heavily, conflict darkening his features.

“Harry he, he left a box in my room on Christmas day and I-I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t get it out of my head, we I mean we haven’t talked. And that box shows up out of the blue,” Eggsy griped out before sudden realisation smacked him in the face. “Oh shit, I’m so sorry. You’re like best mates with Harry fuck shit I’m sorry I ever should have done this to you.”

Eggsy jumped and began to head to the door but Percival stopped him in his tracks, “Excalibur sit down.”

Staring at the floor, Eggsy retreated back to the chair. Pinkness flushed up his neck and swirled around his ears.

“Do not apologise for talking with me. Harry is my friend by he is also a twit, subtlety is not his strong point. He should have spoken to you up front instead of just dropping a box off in your room and thinking ‘job done’. My suggestion is for you to open it, there’s a part of you that that is still _there,_ and that part want to know.”

Eggsy scrubbed his face with his hands, “yeah, fair go. Thanks Perc.”

Eggsy left the room with a wave. He would open the box and be done with it.

_He can keep this ignorance up, right?_

Percival covered his mouth, supressing mirth when Eggsy left even though he shouldn’t. Harry was so _fucking dramatic_. He really didn’t need to do that to the poor boy.

-

“Harry, I am _not_ having this conversation again,” Merlin ground out from his desk. He was quickly getting tired of the euphoria that Harry was alive. He really forgot how persistent that man was. And right now, this really wasn’t something he was getting out of Merlin any time soon.

“I tried reaching out to him, I put a gift in his room Christmas night,” Harry said exasperated throwing his hands in the air.

“What do you want a fucking medal?”

“I want to be a part of his life!”

“Then do something about it!” Merlin rose his voice.

“How?” Harry pleaded. “I’m doing my best, but no one is telling me what happened, how do am I meant to approach him if he’s so different to before?”

-

Eggsy gently lifted the corners of the brown wrapping paper, careful not to tear it. Inside was a red box with gold emblems. With trembling fingers, Eggsy pulled the lid off of the box.

What was inside made his throat catch. Cautiously he tipped it into his hands. It was a glass snow globe. Inside stood a little hut with some Christmas lights draped across. There was a little farmer figurine with a pitchfork smiling brightly. The little snowflakes shifted in the liquid as Eggsy’s hands shook. A silent tear trickled down his face, many others followed in its wake.

A quiet and blurred memory mocked him. A Harry Hart, maybe a bit older than he was now, giving him a medal and shaking a snow globe gently.

_He remembered._

With steely determination Eggsy set foot for Merlin’s office, snow globe held tightly in his hand. He was going to find out where Harry was, and Eggsy was going to talk…to him.

It was probably easier said than done now that he thinks about it.

{he was right}

-

“Listen to me Hart,” Merlin rose and stepped around his desk. He stalked towards Harry and leaned in, twisting his fingers into Harry’s jacket. The man was once again reminded how threatening Merlin could be. “Every single one of us has worked so hard to get Eggsy where he is. Don’t you fucking go causing problems.”

The door swung open and both men recoiled from each other to see who had walked in on them.

_Hm, this was a bit of a pickle._

In the doorway, flushed face and something in his hand was Eggsy.

“Excalibur, what can I do for you?” Merlin asked, _hoping_ he hadn’t seen what Merlin thought he’d seen.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude, I’m gonna go,” Eggsy fumbled. His eyes starting shine brightly.

He saw, Merlin realises.

“Eggsy this,” he tries to explain but Eggsy is already pushing a grim smile on his face. There was betrayal in his eyes but there was a fight within him to push it down, to express happiness and care for those he cared about.

“Nah, ‘s alright doesn’t stress. I’ll catch later yeah?” He choked out turning away and closing the door with a punctuating click. Merlin and Harry stood in silence, frozen with shock of what just happened.

Merlin sighed. Everything he had worked for in Eggsy, every ounce of trust and belief that those around him want the best for him, to help him. And it was ruined, all in one minute.

-

Eggsy ran. He hated it, hated the fact his only response was to run. He sprinted back to his room and snatched a set of keys off his desk and faltered. The snow globe was still clutched in his sweaty hand he let it rest on the desk. Tugging on some shoes and a coat, Eggsy gripped the keys in his hand and runs.

_Shoulda known, should a realised that if you weren’t fronting up, he’d move up._

_Wouldn’t blame him, I wouldn’t like me if I met me._

Eggsy got off the bullet train and slipped out the shop and walked. Sometimes the only thing you can do is keep walking.

Right now, that’s all Eggsy could to do.

_Wash the windows outside in hopes that the glare will bring you home._

_I wouldn’t like me if I met me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this, please like and comment if you did :)


	4. S(he)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for the chapter: She by Dodie 
> 
> Trigger Warning  
> This chapter has flashbacks to being on scene at a suicide attempt and recovery. These parts are in italics and you can read the chapter whilst skipping them.
> 
> I hope you enjoy :)

Tension had been brewing for a long time. Roxy expected that the tension would come to a head soon. She didn’t know how soon, evidentially that day was today.

Her glasses lit up with a message from Merlin.

_Merin: Come to my office._

Her heart sank with worry as much as she tried to supress it. Roxy wasted no time getting to Merlin’s office. As expected, Harry was there.

“What can I do?”

Both men shifted and looked between each other.

“We, well, we,” Harry started but Merlin cut him off.

“We need you to find Eggsy. He walked in on a confrontation between Galahad and myself and misinterpreted the situation. Eggsy left before either of us could stop him,” Merlin explained. Roxy narrowed her eyes and cynically looked between the two men. “It is with our belief it would, be ah, be better if you approached him first.”

“Where is he then?” Roxy asked bitterly. Merlin and Harry glared at each other inconspicuously.

“We don’t know Lancelot. He left his glasses at the manor,” Harry admitted quietly. Roxy allowed herself to look heavenwards, not afraid to show her disappointment in the two men.

“I have my suspicions to his whereabouts. I will leave in just a moment. First, I think we need to address something,” Roxy said sinisterly. “Whatever is going on between you two, needs to get sorted out because it freaked Eggsy out enough that he felt the need to run.”

Roxy gestured with her hands, “ _this_ ends when we get back. It’s not helping anyone. As a group we are going to talk like adults and listen the what everyone is feeling like _adults_.”

With a steely glare Roxy left the stunned agents in the room and started along the halls to the bunker to look for her friend.

-

Eggsy didn’t really intend to go to his flat. But it was the only place he could imagine to be alone. That’s what he needed right now. Eggsy’s mind was spinning with the shock and the betrayal.

And the guilt.

_  
I'd never tell  
No, I'd never say a word  
And oh, it aches  
But it feels oddly good to hurt_

Because Harry wasn’t his boyfriend. The months apart had divided them. The abyss between them dark and deep. It no longer felt possible to reach out to him. Harry was no longer his and he had to accept that.

_And I'll be okay  
Admiring from afar_

Merlin and Harry were…

There was nothing to be done. It was time for Eggsy to move on, stand on his own two feet again. He had leant upon Kingsman far too hard for far too long.

_And s(he) smells like lemongrass and sleep  
S(he) tastes like apple juice and peach  
Oh, you would find h(im)er in a Polaroid picture  
And s(he)...  
Means everything to me_

In his cold flat, sun filtered lightly through the blinds. Nothing had been touched since he and Roxy came to collect Michelle’s ashes. The fridge was still empty, the pantry was scarce. It was a shell of a home that once was so warm.

-

_“Why ever not? Are you hungover or high or both for that matter?!” Harry exclaimed; however, he instantly regretted the words. Eggsy ripped the chain off the door and through it open. He got a good look at Eggsy. He stood in boxer shorts; dark bruises rippled across his body. There were obvious handprints on his neck and shockingly red welts across his cheek. To top it all off he was sporting a black eye._

_“I didn’t think it looked to fucking good to show up to work in a tailor shop looking like some dickhead who got his head kicked in.” Harry stared flabbergasted._

_“May, may I come?”_

_Eggsy scoffed, “be my fucking guest.” He stalked back into the flat. Harry followed him into the kitchen after shutting the door. Eggsy leaned against the bench, pressing a ice block to his chest._

_“What happened Eggsy,” Harry asks softly._

_Eggsy, still wounded from Harry’s words rolled his eyes, “got my head kicked in didni?”_

_“By who?”_

_Eggsy sighed, “my ex-stepfather. The one who was locked up for murder. He got out a while back for some reason, didn’t know where I was until someone grassed me up. Came up to me an’ Roxy last night. Told Roxy to shove off and now she’s pissed but I’m glad she’s pissed at me instead o’ hurt.”_

_Harry looked even more worried, “why would Roxy be upset with you?” Eggsy groaned and wiped a hand down his face._

_“Because she wouldn’t go and I was worried, so I told her to go, but it didn’t sound the way I wanted it to. But I had to save her Harry, I had to!” Eggsy’s voice broke. “I couldn’t let Dean hurt anyone else I cared about. Every time he hurt’s someone I’m always one second to late to save them. And it’s my fault, it’s my fucking fault!”_

_Sobs broke through Eggsy’s body, Harry watched how his chest shook brokenly. Eggsy dropped the ice pack and slid to the floor. Harry easily sat down next to him, draping an arm around Eggsy’s shoulders. His skin was freezing against Harry’s warm hand._

_“I keep fucking up ’arry. I’m always against the clock, I’m always late to saving people I love. And I lose them and it’s my fault,” Eggsy cried, Harry pulled Eggsy’s head to his shoulder. He ran his hand up and down Eggsy’s arm soothingly._

-

_“I promise you Eggsy, he will never touch you or anyone you love again,” he felt Eggsy sob into his chest._

_“Thank you ‘arry, thank you for everything.”_

-

The memory drifted through Eggsy, the warmth he felt that day when someone was looking out for him. He couldn’t remember the last time the flat was that warm. Eggsy let the warmth heat him up, like a warm hand bringing him away from the edge.

A pounding at the door startled him, “Eggsy are you in there?”

It was Roxy. Eggsy stood from the living room floor and walked down the short hall. He pulled the chain back and opened the door. Roxy stood in the doorway with eyes that hinted at something dangerous. Eggsy’s stomach began to churn. This wasn’t good.

“Everything alright?” He asked, jumping straight to the inevitable point.

Roxy’s eyes widened comically, “I should be asking you that. Merlin asked me to look for you after you left. Eggs, what happened?”

Eggsy sighed. It wasn’t the inevitable he expected but it was an inevitable that was so much harder to deal with. 

Eggsy lead Roxy into the living room and the pair sat down on the floor. He couldn’t help but feel grateful it was Roxy there with him.

He was even more grateful when she started talking, “Merlin and Harry said you walked in on something and thought it was something else and before they could explain you left.”

Eggsy struggled to meet Roxy’s eyes, “I finally opened the box Harry left in my room on Christmas. It was the first time I felt the proper need to talk to him. I’ve been wanting to do it since he came back, I guess I just wanted to avoid it. I went to Merlin’s office to find out where Harry was and…” He looked heavenwards with tears in his eyes. “God it’s so fucken stupid. They were so close to each other and, and it looked like they were making out or something.”

With the final puzzle piece falling into place, Roxy realised why Eggsy ran. What he saw was a complete betrayal by two men he trusted the most.

“Oh Eggs,” Roxy smiled softly. “I can only imagine how that must feel. When Merlin called me in Harry was there and they both looked shifty. Makes sense now, but from the sounds of it I think they were arguing. I gave them a serve because their complete and utter clot poles.”

Eggsy frowned slightly with a smile pulling at his lips, “Rox, I know it’s a good show, but you’ve been watching too much Merlin.” Roxy grinned and through a pillow at him.

“It’s going to be okay Eggsy, I promise. I reckon Merlin’s told Harry off quite a few times to be honest. Think he’s pissed at how Harry is just lying about and not trying to talk with you.”

Eggsy looked downcast and peered at the window, “shouldn’t be just up to him. I’ve been wanting to talk with him, but I’m so scared about what might happen.” Roxy crawled over to Eggsy and wrapped her arms around him. The Agent, though much shorter in stature, drew Eggsy close. As if hiding him from the world, because the world was still to cold for Eggsy to stand alone.

-

“I need to know, what happened to Eggsy so I can _help_ him _Hamish_ ,” Harry spat. His eyes flashed dangerously. Merlin eyed him before gestured for Harry to sit as he stalked back to his own desk.

“What I’m going to tell you, you do not bring up with Eggsy. If he brings it up with you that’s fine, but this is confidential. Understand?”

Harry nodded, fear settling into his gut for the first time.

Merlin took a breath and pinched the bridge of his nose, “when you were dead…Eggsy struggled. He felt isolated, he felt alone.”

-

_“You want to know how I feel?” Eggsy spat angrily. “I just feel like I’m lost in time with nowhere to go, no one to tell me and I’m stuck in a whirlpool going around and around and around and there’s no lifeguard to save me_

-

“I noticed that he was struggling at the Shop, so I gave him the week off. Without this structure...Eggsy slipped. He slipped really, really hard. I got a dangerous vitals notification on my glasses, for Eggsy. I called Roxy and we got medical to his flat. It was almost to late…”

-

_Merlin had never felt so sick to when he busted down Eggsy’s front door. A medical team flooding into the flat. He rushed to through the small home, desperate to find his agent. Roxy was hot on his heels when they left the bedroom and went to the bathroom. On the floor was Eggsy. The scent of heavy alcohol filled the air from the broken Vodka bottle. Empty sheets of paracetamol lay on the ground. Bile was leaking across the grey tiles around him._

_Roxy screamed something horrible and dropped beside him, pressing her ear to Eggsy’s chest and sobbing when she found a heard a heartbeat. It took a lot of Merlin’s strength to pull Roxy away as the medical team swooped in._

_It was a night neither would forget, ever._

-

“The next month was the beginning of his rehab. There were some hard days, but he’s a strong lad and he’s a fighter.”

-

_“Fuck off!” Eggsy yelled when he was taken from medical to have any injuries noted. Not something anyone enjoyed but the risk was to high, any emerging habit needed to be observed as soon as possible._

_It was even worse when he was given a diet plan to follow._

_“I don’t have a fucking eating disorder fuck off you twats!” Eggsy was right, he didn’t have an obvious eating disorder but in the previous months his weight had dropped dramatically and dangerously._

_But any type of help in those early days was met with resistance. Eggsy fought them just as much as he fought the rest of his battles._

-

Harry was grey in the face by the time Merlin finished. The was pain and regret and what he had been blind to.

“I’ve fucked up,” Harry sighed, dropping his head I his hands as the door opened.

“Yes, you have, you’re a fucking idiot Galahad. Anyway, Lancelot contacted me; she’s got Eggsy,” Percival snarked, relief washed over Merlin and Harry. “Don’t look so relieved Harry, you’re not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot.”


	5. Too Much Love Will Kill You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you afraid of the touch or the possible inconvenience?”
> 
> “Is it too depressing if I say both?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Too Much Love Will Kill You - Queen
> 
> Trigger warning for mentions of honey pot mission 
> 
> Note:  
> “Are you afraid of the touch or the possible inconvenience?”
> 
> “Is it too depressing if I say both?” 
> 
> The above quote is adapted from another Kingsman fic I read on here, I cannot remember which fic so if you recognise it please let me know.

Eggsy returns to Kingsman manor under the cover of dark with Roxy by his side. The next morning, he awakes to a message on his glasses.

_Meet me at the shop-H._

Eggsy’s stomach flips at the words as he dresses briskly. He is alone on the bullet train as usual, but the silence is louder. It hasn’t been this loud since Harry’s return. It’s just gone dawn when he steps out of the dressing room. Harry is sitting in one of the armchairs, the agents stands at Eggsy’s approach.

“Eggsy,” his voice is surprised as if he didn’t think Eggsy would show. “Please, sit down.”

Harry gestured to _the_ brown leather couch, Eggsy lip curls at the memory of the last time he sat on that couch.

“Mhm, no thanks,” is his curt response. Hurt flashes across Harry’s face because _of course_ he thinks Eggsy’s desire to stand is an attack on him.

_She reached for Eggsy’s tie and began to lean over him, “let’s see how much of a pleb you can be.” Eggsy’s heat rate picked up which Merlin noticed but stayed silent for a while longer._

_“What, what did you have in mind?” Eggsy choked breathlessly._

_Lydia smiled and tightened the tie around his neck, “I think you’ve been a bad boy.”_

“I want to apologise Eggsy. Ever since I came back from Kentucky, I fear I’ve been less than approachable. Let alone these past couple of weeks but yesterday in particular. What you saw was not what was actually happening. As I’m sure you have felt, I’ve been a prick. Something Merlin has noticed, yesterday I was being an idiot and Merlin was fed up and was putting me back in my place. I am sorry for any hurt I have inflicted upon you since my return. I did not make my return easy for anybody.

“I was oblivious to the fact for quite some time I was thought to be dead, which is not something I’d wish upon anybody. Yet I was ignorant to the adjustment period required upon my return. My insolence has been shocking and it took a hard talk with Merlin to make me realise it. I have hurt you Eggsy, and for that I offer my deepest and most sincere apologies.”

The apology was so honest and so utterly broken sounding, Eggsy suddenly felt a wetness edging at his eyes. (Which he supressed almost instantly.)

“Harry I, thank you. But this whole, this whole thing isn’t just on you. I’ve been a coward…”

There were still many things left unsaid between them, but the abyss was no longer infinite. Perhaps, just perhaps it could be crossed.

“This is volatile territory, for the both of us. And we must navigate with care and caution to ensure we look after ourselves,” said Harry. Eggsy nodded and sighed, tension evaporating from his body, briefly. “I feel I need to ask Eggsy, why did you not want to sit down? Was…was it do with me?”

“No!” Eggsy blurted out eyes wide before he repeated it at a normal volume. “No, I just…”

“It’s okay, you can talk to me Eggsy,” Harry said quietly.

Eggsy screwed his eyes up tight, “I just. I had to do a mission which was fine, but I, I mean even Merlin didn’t think I’d ever do a mission because of my position so he was surprised. But it was more like, a, a honey pot.”

It took Harry a moment, the months of recovery and his life since he left for Kentucky had been crazy. It took him a second, then he remembered.

Eggsy is asexual.

Eggsy had to go on a honey pot.

Eggsy got hurt.

“But y’know it fine I just…”

_“You’re a bit shy aren’t you,” she purred devilishly. “I like that.” Heat crawled up Eggsy’s neck as she brushed a finger across his lips._

_“Now,” Lydia started when she received the message. “I’m not expected by any one for half an hour. I say we make use of this empty shop.”_

_She reached for Eggsy’s tie and began to lean over him, “let’s see how much of a pleb you can be.” Eggsy’s heat rate picked up which Merlin noticed but stayed silent for a while longer._

“I just ended up freaking out at the end coz the bird was really…really into it, Merlin ended up saving me once I got the intel. It’s fine I just,” Eggsy turned abruptly to be free from Harry’s intense gaze. Reliving the experience unnerved Eggsy, his knees when to jelly and he pitched forward against the wooden counter. His head smacking against the corner on the way down.

“Eggsy!”

“Shit on it,” Eggsy growled sitting up, a hand pressed against his forehead. He rubbed it but felt his fingers becoming slippery. Harry crouched next to him, concern washing his face.

“Here let me see,” Harry reached out a hand but Eggsy lurched away and jumped to his feet.

“Nah, it’s alright I’ve got it,” he muttered heading to the back of the shop. Harry looked aghast and followed him.

“Eggsy please let me have a look.”

“No, I’ve got it sorted!” Was the rushed reply. Eggsy was in the downstairs office area rummaging through the first aid box. Harry kept his distance, leaning against the door frame.

“Eggsy?”

“Mhm,” he grunted back distractedly.

“Are you afraid of the touch or the possible inconvenience?”

Eggsy faltered from where he was wrestling with the packaging of a plaster. Blood was trickling down the edge of his nose, just past his eye. Without looking to closely, it looked like he could have been crying blood.

“Is it too depressing if I say both?” Eggsy tried to joke but it fell flat against Harry’s soft gaze. He slumped into the desk chair chucked the half-opened plaster on the desk, his head in his hands. Warm hands enclosed Eggsy’s and pulled them away from his face. Harry pulled away to open up an alcoholic wipe. His fingers were careful as they cleaned the wound. The fresh plaster was applied firmly. Eggsy kept his eyes shut the entire time but his face wasn’t. pinched.

As Harry worked away on Eggsy’s face, he struggled to match up this young man with the one he knew left behind. Eggsy had issues then but his ‘death’ had only worsened his mental health.

But perhaps there was a way out of this, a way out of all this anguish.

_I’m just pieces of the man I used to be,_

_Too many bitter tears raining down on me_

_-_

_Too much love will kill you_

_If you can’t make up your mind_

_Torn between the lover_

_And the love you leave behind_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this, if you did please leave a comment and kudos :)
> 
> Do you guys listen to the chapter songs, if so do you think they work well together? I try to choose songs that much the vibes of the chapter.


	6. Brick by Brick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy and Harry walk through Hyde Park when it starts to rain. Apparently they're very childish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of old self harm scars at the beginning and at the end. 
> 
> Long time no see, I hope you all enjoy this chapter :)
> 
> Song: Brick by Brick- American Authors.

Light was beginning to grow into Eggsy’s life again. Like a plant, he thrived on it. Slowly he flourished without the weight of the ‘Harry Issue’. Their relationship was far from perfect, they were acquaintances instead of strangers which was a lot easier to work with. 

Winter was far from over for England, but in late January there was an unseasonably warm day on the forecast. It was due for Sunday before the cold change came in. Harry was eager to spend time with Eggsy and invited him out for a walk in Hyde Park.

Eggsy agreed. It seemed so natural that he didn’t waste a moment stressing about it. The cab stopped along the road and Eggsy walked the short distance to the Hyde Park Rose Garden. The warm sunbathed his bare legs and arms. Like most Brits, Eggsy had no tan to speak of. It didn’t help that six days a week he was wearing a full suit indoors. 

Before he left Eggsy had covered his burns in sunscreen, only now Eggsy realised as he saw Harry in a white polo and suit slack. (The bastard just _couldn’t_ go anywhere not wearing something to do with a suit). That Eggsy realised Harry didn’t know about his burns, he was going to ask questions. There is no believable explanation for something like that. There just isn’t. 

“Hello Eggsy,” Harry greeted.

Eggsy snapped to put a smile on his face, after a moment it wasn’t forced and most of his stressed fell away as the two walked through the park. Harry obviously knew his way around, Eggsy remembered visiting with his mother. It was the opening of the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain. Michelle had shed a few tears, Eggsy remembered the woman had been a great admirer of Diana. The boldness of the woman inspired, Eggsy wondered if she ever thought of how strong Diana was when Michelle was stuck in the marriage with Dean. 

“Did you leave your mind at home Eggsy?” Harry teased, he mustn’t have been to offended, the other man seemed quite lost in thought himself. Eggsy smiled lightly.

“Just thinking about the Princess Diana fountain.”

“Would you like to go that way?” Harry asked gently, sensing that the fountain had some importance to Eggsy. The younger man flashed an appreciative smile. 

“I only came here once, think mum always felt like she was to scruffy to come. But she came once, ‘tink she spent some of her pay cheque on drug store make up and did her hair and made me wear black pants and a button up. For the opening of the fountain,” Eggsy explained distantly. They came upon the fountain, there were children running and shrieking whilst parents watch them from their picnic blankets. 

Eggsy was suddenly hit with a wave of nostalgia, he missed out on the family life. He yearned to have had a father in his life. Tear pricked at his eyes for a moment and he stepped away from Harry, closer to the fountain. He perched on the edge, and let his hands drift through the water. He sniffed and smacked at his eyes.

“It’s always a bit emotional, isn’t it?” An older woman said. She was at on the edge like Eggy, a few meters away.

“Yeah,” Eggsy tried to laugh but it was a bit weak. 

“She wouldn’t want people to upset over her, she was a strong woman right until the end. People will never forget her.”

For a moment, Eggsy wished to believe it was an aunt or grandmother saying that about Michelle. For a moment, he let himself believe it. Eggsy smiled widely and went back to Harry, who despite the humidity didn’t seem to be breaking a sweat. Bubbly clouds in the distance warned of a storm, parents were beginning to leave, and the park cleared out. 

The pair strolled further, making small talk but mostly enjoying each other’s company. Something they hadn’t done in a while. 

Bravely, Eggsy inched closer to Harry and hooked his own little finger with Harry’s. Neither said anything, it was a less awkward interaction than the evening at the pub where Eggsy professed his love. It was nice. 

The first few drips heralded the instantaneous storm. Harry and Eggsy were sprinting through the gardens. Harry slipped for a moment on the bricks, he sat for a moment stunned and looking very undignified. Eggsy extended a hand but retracted it as Harry went to take it. 

“You’re a shit!” 

“Yeah and?” Eggsy teased, but Harry was up on his feet and running after Eggsy. It was no surprise the field agent court up to the tailor. _He was not out of shape_ , Eggsy tried to convince himself when Harry tackled him. They fell onto the grass which was a part of a picnic area (thankfully not the manicured garden lawns.) 

Harry leaned over Eggsy, they panted in the humidity. The rain had them soaked through but neither felt cold. The rain started to fog up Harry’s glasses (Eggsy was surprised that wasn’t (preventable with all the technology they have at Kingsman). He reached out his hand and started to draw a smiley face on Harry’s glasses. 

“Child,” Harry chastised but there was no vehemence. 

“Oi, how come you get to stay nice and clean and I’m in the mud?” Eggsy accused but he also has a smile tugging at his lips. 

“You’re the one who fel-” Eggsy grabbed Harry’s shoulder and pulled them towards the ground. Harry’s eye went wide as he smacked into the wet grass. 

“This is white!” He objected. Eggsy stuck his tongue out as the hail finally came. Eggsy and Harry got up and sprinted for the bus shelter on the edge of Hyde Park. They hailed their respective taxis and parted ways. 

The grin on Eggsy’s face lasted for hours.

-

“You look like you enjoyed yourself,” Merlin commented when Harry barged into his office.

“Shush, I need to talk to you.”

Merlin’s eyes instantly narrowed suspiciously, “what happened?”

Harry’s face twisted for a moment as he struggled for words, “at the gardens today, we well. Eggsy wore shorts, on both legs are burns, absolutely horrible burns that look identical. One looks newer, it’s still red. I, just, do you know? Do you, I mean it’s. Where have this come from?”

Harry looked stricken, Merlin quickly put his mind at ease. 

“It has to do with the _thing_. It has been dealt with or rather we are dealing with it.”

Concern still obvious on Harry’s face as his mind began to put the dots together. 

“Okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this, if you did feel free to bookmark, leave kudos or comment :)


	7. Will you make me stronger?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy spends a night in his flat.  
> He doesn’t spend it alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t apologise enough for my unexplained absence. I fear that this chapter is to little to late. The motivation I had for this series left me over night and finding it in me to even post an authors note seems inpossible.
> 
> To my readers from day one, you know who you are, thank you. This chapter is like I said, to little to late. But I hope it provides some joy of at the very least excitement for an update regardless of the quality of this chapter.
> 
> Trigger warning for panic attack.   
> Unedited- written on mobile phone please excuse any grammatical mistakes.

Despite how happy the day at Hyde Park made Eggsy, the brought on an onslaught of unwelcome thoughts. It made Eggsy realise just how much he still loved Harry.

These thoughts terrified Eggsy to his core. Harry, whilst being well and truly alive had a brush with death. What if that close shave made him change his mind, made him realise that Eggsy wasn’t worth a scrap of his time?

These thoughts clung to Eggsy and inadvertently caused him to avoid Harry’s presence. Eggsy knew nothing but running was always easier. All he had to do was keep running. 

There was no releee from these thoughts whilst Eggsy transitioned to Kingsman’s version of an out patient. To move from being observed most hours of the day to living alone, Eggsy was going to spend a night in his old flat. Something many people questioned. Roxy and Percival berated Merlin for letting Eggsy go back to that flat when Eggsy broke up the argument.

“I need closure to continue to move on. My...attempt is apart of me whether I like it or not it’s not something I can ignore.”

The day had rolled around and it was time for Eggsy to go home from the shop. Instead of turning into one of the dressing rooms Eggsy turned out to the street. Memories of dissociating after work drifted through Eggsy. But just like when he dissociated, they weren’t quite there. He remembered Harry though. The man finding him in Stratford, looking after him, loving him. 

Someone had been in Eggsy’s flat. They had turned the heating on and there wasn’t a musty smell. Roxy, Eggsy suspects. It was okay okay. He ordered pizza, watched tv. Didn’t sit on the couch and definetly didn’t look in the mirror when he went to the bathroom. 

The trouble came when the sun fell and the nine o’clock news finished. Eggsy crawled into his crumpled bed. That’s when the weight drops on his chest. The feeling of suffocation gripped his throat. Cold fingers stop Eggsy from breathing and all he can do is stare at his door. Sheer terror licks at his bones and there’s nothing he can do.

He can’t sit up, he can’t breathe. Everything around him is falling, it’s falling on Eggsy. After ten minute shaking hands grasp the glasses sitting on his bedside table. When Eggsy puts them on his face he stabs him self in the eye, the shock loosely breaks him from his trance. 

Without thinking Eggsys eyes fall to a familiar contact.

-

“Eggsy?” Harry shouted not caring if he woke the neighbours. It takes Eggsy a minute to open the door. The heavy wait still lying on his chest with no intention to move. “Oh Eggsy.”

Eggsy fell into Harry’s arms sobbing. Somehow the migrate to the sofa but Eggsy doesn’t care. All he can think about is the terror he felt lying awake. Some how Harry is able to soothe him enough that he isn’t in a danger zone mindset. 

Harry felt compelled to ask one damning question.

“Why have you been avoiding me?

Eggsy spluttered and with wet eyes looks up at Harry“I have not!”

“Oh really?” Harry asks shrewdly but the ghost of a smile eases the rising pressure on Eggsy’s chest. 

“I well, I fuck,” Eggsy’s sighs, defeated. “I, I had to learn to live with out you and and I got there after a lot of pain. Now you’re back in my life and I had to learn to live with you again but everything was different! I didn’t know if I could love you. If I had enough love left inside of me after everything. I didn’t how to love you. But I, I am so in love with you and I don’t know how to do that again. I have fallen in love with you all over again. And I’m so, so terrified that I’m going to loose you because last time I fell. I fell really really hard and not in a good way, in a really really bad way. More than that I guess, I guess I was scared you don’t love me.”

“I have never stopped loving you.” 

And with those quiet words warmth spread through Eggsy. Warm reassurance of love.

Harry leant down and pressed his lips into Eggsy’s hair. 

It wasn’t over, but that warmth between them as they fell asleep on the couch. Eggsy believed that warmth would look after them for a while to come. 


	8. (In a little bit of time) It Won't Hurt So Bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've got a secret for the mad  
> In a little bit of time it won't hurt so bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Pretty severe talk of suicide/self harm in past tense at the end

In the morning Eggsy and Harry work around each other seamlessly. They didn’t avoid each other; they shared the space comfortably and neither felt the need to talk about it. Harry muttered about the crick in his neck whilst Eggsy moaned about not having coffee.

At the shop Eggsy peels off from Harry and begins his day. At this moment Percival came down the stairs. He smiled to Eggsy as the younger man passed him but quickly gestured for Harry to join him in the elevator down to the bullet train.

“I know what you’re going to say,” Harry said once they were in the elevator.

“Do you?” The gentleman spy aske sternly. “Because I don’t think you know what’s at stake if Eggsy’s stability is broken. I don’t care how you blow his mine-“

“Percival please!” Harry snapped.

The man sighed, “do not capsize his boat Harry. We haven’t got any life savers left.”

“I know Percival, I know,” Harry muttered.

But Percival was insistent, “you understand Harry? I need to know if you do. Are we clear?”

“Crystal.”

-

A week later, Eggsy was ready to try again at this whole living alone again caper. This time, Harry left work in the evening with him. Together they made dinner and ate companionably. They teetered on a row about the football before deciding to watch one of those musicals from the sixties. 

The pair surprised themselves about their shared love for My Fair Lady.

“Well you’re full of surprises,” Harry had said when Eggsy turned to the channel showing it.

“Shush or I’ll sing,” Eggsy warned good naturedly. He sat on the floor, head leaning against Harry who was stretched out on the two-seater couch. He carded his hands through the younger agent’s hair. 

Neither discussed how they were both singing along softly the tones of Marni Nixon. * Usually, in these quiet moments Eggsy would find his mind running all over the place, to deeper and darker places. Not tonight. Tonight, his mind stayed with him. It stayed with him and Harry.

_Him and Harry_.

This tranquillity didn’t last. Despite Eggsy’s offer Harry was quite comfortable sleeping on the couch. Saying he wouldn’t be able to get a good night sleep if he kept fussing if Eggsy was alright.

Eggsy wasn’t alright.

Back in his bedroom, his barren bedroom, he was alone. And as much as Eggsy reminded himself that Harry was asleep on the sofa (evening going to see if he was there twice) he couldn’t stop the bad thoughts seeping in. And it wasn’t like they were clear. Just a feeling of terror of being in the place where he had almost died.

Merlin had told him when he was in hospital that his heart had almost stopped on the way to HQ. That thought rolled over and over in his mind. Every time he looked at the walls Eggsy was reminded of the hours he spent staring at them. There was no over memory to cover up the ones he had left behind here.

Broken hours slipped by until at quarter to five, Eggsy had a plan suddenly erupt in his mind. Fumbling for his glasses he selected Merlin’s contact.

“Eggsy, everything okay?” Despite his rough brogue the fear leaked into Merlin’s voice. Eggsy’s stomach clenched with guilt.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah sorry for stressing ya. Just wondering, Kingsman fully owns my flat yeah? Like we aint leasing it or nothing?” Eggsy rushed out quickly.

Merlin’s image frowned, “yes Kingsman owns yer flat. Why?”

“Nuthin,” Eggsy said. “Just thinking about redecorating.”

“Jesus Christ,” Merlin muttered. “Have fun.” And then he hung up. Unable to rest now he had the idea in his head Eggsy scrawled a note on a white plate in marker pen (Harry would be gobsmacked, but they didn’t have any paper in the house. Google maps said the hardware store was two blocks away and Eggsy suddenly wondered how he was gonna get the kit home. 

But Eggsy with nervous energy was Eggsy with energy.

-

Harry awoke to the sound of splashing water. Despite having finished Kingsman training quite a few years ago his mind instantly went back to the flooded room before he got his bearings. He couldn’t locate the sound and quickly looked around calling for Eggsy.

“Eggsy!”

“In the loo!” He called back.

“Bathroom Eggsy, it’s a _bathroom_ \- oh,” Harry stopped in the doorway and saw yellow and orange paint absolutely sloshed around the room.

“Redecorating,” Eggsy said simply and brushed the yellow and orange paint around on the walls.

“At six-thirty in the morning? The bathroom?” Harry laughed and spread a paint smear on Eggsy’s face even further.

The young man took on a very solemn look and perched on the corner of the bathtub. “I haven’t been exactly honest with you Harry.”

A stone dropped in Harry’s stomach; he knew where this was going. He slid up onto the counter with ease and settled in to hear Eggsy speak.

“When you were gone, I got dark. I’ve been dark before, when I was living on the streets, with Dean and mum. But when I lost you, I struggled. It was like I had been on the easy ski slopes, and then out of nowhere someone dropped me on the hardest slope with only one stick. I kept trying to stop but I was sliding so hard and so fast. I began to,” Eggsy looked down and sniffed. He toed a droplet of paint and watched it seep into the grout of the tiles.

“I began to hurt myself. The burns on my legs, I know you saw them. One leg was from a long time ago, the other, the other one happened when you were away. And I tried, I tried so fucking hard to stop. I tried to have hot showers when I was freezing cold, I used an elastic band, but nothing could stop me. I began to drink, I had it in my head that I was meant to hurt. And as long as no one knew, as long as I was the only one hurting. It would all be okay.”

Big fat tears raced down his cheeks. He choked out ugly sobs, mucus was coating his throat. Eggsy turned to spit into the bathtub but found his knees give out and he sunk to the floor. Harry slid off the counter and drew Eggsy into a hug. When Eggsy was able to get his breathing out of control he started to speak again.

“When Merlin gave me the week off, I lost it. I didn’t know what to do and that stupid fucking voice in my head finally spoke so loudly that I be believed it. This calm feeling came over me like what I was doing was right. I couldn’t stop listening. Oh god. Oh fucking god,” Eggsy hadn’t cried like this in a long time. Possibly not since when Harry’s death properly hit him.

“It’s okay Eggsy, it’s okay. You’re okay, I’m here, I’m alright and you’re alright,” Harry whispered.

“I tried to kill myself, Harry. I couldn’t find it in me to see a life worth living.”

The cartoons Eggsy watched growing always made a point that once something bad is over or you tell someone something that you’ve been avoiding, you always feel better. He never believed it but right now he did.

Eggsy had told Harry the _big bad thing_. Gingerly, he looked at Harry next to him, those warm brown eyes looking at him with love and warmth.

Well, Eggsy knew it wasn’t all okay. But some of it was.

It was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Audrey Hepburn's voice was not used for My Fair Lady, Marni Nixon's voice was synced over. 
> 
> One chapter to go. I will write a more extensive A/N then.


	9. Together We Sang, I'm Ready Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you,” Eggsy whispered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take the time to read the chapter notes at the end.

It felt like the final barricade between them had been torn down. There was no longer a great big abyss of secrets or darkness between them. There was a bridge over the ravine, and in the light of day, it wasn’t so bad.

There was still one last thing that was clinging on to Eggsy. Harry’s position in Kingsman was being discussed. He was ready to be reinstated. Eggsy didn’t know if he was ready for that. For Harry to go off fighting the worlds attackers, for his life to be at risk again.

It was made worse that he was escorting agents to and from the tailor shop to the dining halls upstairs. Not just Kingsman agents, MI6 and MI5, the British government all went behind those big oak doors for hours of serious discussion. Eggsy was thankful for the tired but reassuring smiles from people like Merlin and Percival. Letting him know that it was okay. Everything was going to be okay.

Probably.

-

On one of his mandatory RDO’s1 Percival came by his flat which he was staying in most days. He was a lot happier there since he and Harry had ‘redecorated’. When Percival came through the front door he stopped, mouth agape at the lime green wall marbled with swirls of pink.

“Modern,” he said but Eggsy didn’t take offence. Even he got eye strain from the lime green, but Cecilia had helped him realise that sometimes he needed to do what helped him. Other people’s opinions weren’t relevant.

“I’m trying to get Merlin to let me do this to the dining room at Kingsman.” Percival laughed loudly at that.

Eggsy started to get tea ready, “what’s the go anyways? You don’t just pop round like this. That’s my thing.” He tried to keep his voice casual, but the uncertainty was crystal clear.

“You’re incredibly anxious these past few weeks, thought I’d check in,” Percival explained kindly.

Eggsy looked quietly surprised, “oh. Thanks, that’s really nice mate.” Percival raised an eyebrow at him as if to say _‘well?’_ “I uhm. Guess I’m wigging out a bit about Harry you know what I mean? I’m scared to lose him if he goes back to being Galahad.”

Percival looked thoughtful for a few moments. “These last few weeks have been very busy. Forget that, it was pointless to say, you’ve been bringing everyone up to the table. There’s been a lot of consequences to weigh up. It began with Harry’s ability to continue as Galahad. Until he spun us for a turn actually. And I might as well as tell you all this since we had the final meeting this afternoon.

“Harry spun us for a turn because he rejected to be Galahad. Yet he still wants to be a part of Kingsman. This hasn’t happened before, so it was in true Hart fashion. He expressed that despite being a few decades younger than retiring field agents, he was no longer in a position to risk his life. Like I said this is a very unusual situation. Instead, he put his hat in the ring for the position of Arthur.”

Eggsy stared intently at Percival. The kettle hovering in the air, forgotten.

“He said that his death in the field would result in Kingsman losing two agents, not just one. He also said that the world is ruled by corruption and greed, and in his heart, it was time for him to fight that battle as Arthur. As Arthur he can make decisions that he feels align with Kingsman morals. Chester King our previous man was a spiteful prejudiced old bastard and I’m glad you never met him. He was corrupt and it was only a matter of time before his dealings caught up to him.”

Still holding the kettle aloft despite the ache in his arm Eggsy asked, “so what does this mean?”

“Eggsy, Harry is the new Arthur. As of this evening, he is the new leader of Kingsman.”

-

As he waited for Harry to come for dinner Eggsy fretted with guilt. Had Harry given up his job for him?

~~Had he?~~

~~Was it his fault~~

~~This is your fault~~

When Harry stepped through the front door Eggsy was about to burst with anxiety.

“Did you give up your job for me?” He blurted out.

Harry smirked slightly, “hello to you to. Yes, I did think about you in my decision but I’m tired of being told what to do. I want to make a difference and as Arthur I can do that. I can do things the gentleman’s way.”

“You sure?” Eggsy asked with doe eyes.

“I’m sure Eggsy.” Harry crossed the small flat to hug Eggsy. “If you feel the same, I want to try and do, try and be what we were before. I love you Eggsy. When I was undercover in Kentucky, I thought of you every day. What were you doing, what tie were you wearing? In retrospect I was incredibly naïve to think you’d just carry on with your life.”

_You saw through me all this time; I’d forgotten people are kind._

“I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you,” Eggsy whispered. “You showed me the world. For a while there I thought I’d be a sex worker for the rest of my life, however long that may have been.” 

_You said, "I will listen  
Tell it all  
When you're finished  
We'll talk more"_

_But I didn't know how  
So we took it in turns  
And to my surprise  
We found my words_

Eggsy began to speak with a voice full of emotion. “Every time I’m with you I wish time would stop. So, I could stay suspended in that moment. You make me the person I am Harry. No, not make. You make me want to be better than I am. Kinder, smarter, braver, happier, healthier. When I’m with you I want to be better than I ever was. And I’m sorry I can’t be what you want physically-”

“Eggsy no,” Harry cut him off. “You are perfect, I don’t need that from you, from anyone, to have a fulfilling relationship.”

Eggsy didn’t say anything but pressed his face into Harry’s shoulder, “you make me feel like I’m never going to stop feeling alive. I feel, it’s like there’s pressure in my chest but not like a panic attack. That feeling you get as a teenager when you first get your licence.

“You can feel so free and invincible. Like you’re on top of the world and nobody can bring you down.”

_A promise of hope is enough to feel free_.

Softly Harry leaned down to gently kiss Eggsy, letting the blond lead and take control. His hand grabbed the lapels of Harry’s suit pulling him closer. They became intertwined with each other, soaking each other up. But never rough, never lustrous. Always love, always soft and sweet and gentle. The world had treated them to harshly for that lustrous roughness.

Harry’s cologne, citrusy scents undercut by spice and wood2 mingled with Eggsy’s supermarket deodorant. A red line under their class difference but surprisingly compatible just like Harry and Eggsy. Two different people from vastly different backgrounds colliding together with binding love.

A hand on a hip, a kiss on a collarbone, hands in hair, foreheads together.

Hearts in sync.

_Together we sang, I’m ready now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. RDO's mean Rostered Days Off.   
> 2\. The cologne Harry is wearing is Penhaligon’s Blenheim Bouquet Eau de Toilette
> 
> This story has become a hard one too write. I have seen the document staring at me over these last couple of months, begging me to finish it. As of current, I have one final unfinished Kingsman story to complete. After that I do not have any planned, nor to I feel the inclination. 
> 
> This series has given me so much as a writer. I have learnt to plan and fix plot holes and write character arcs. It has a special place in my heart but as I wrote the last few chapters I found my self hating it. But writing this final chapter, I felt the love I had for Harry and Eggsy all over again. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Posting this chapter, I felt fearful. Had I done these characters justice, the story? Had I given them a story worth writing? I only hope I have. 
> 
> I remember getting the idea for this story, the little seed in my head. I never expected it would turn into three parts, over 35k let alone I would even finish the first fic. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading, thank you for putting up with my inconsistent updates. An incredibly special thank you to TinyDarkCreature0 for your support from the start. And another special thanks to Lyssa13 for your consistent support on this fic.
> 
> Without your generous comments I don't think I would have fund the last dregs of motivation I have to finish this story. Both of you, this chapter is for you. Thank you so much, I really can't say it enough. This is for you. 
> 
> As I write in the future, as I plough my way through English assignments I will remember this fic. This story has taught me much about story telling but putting your heat into something even with no reward just to write well. 
> 
> I hope this chapter did justice to the adventure we've been on. 
> 
> Thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> If you'd like to get a feeling for this instalment through the soundtrack this is the soundtrack so far:
> 
> Arms Unfolding - Dodie  
> Ready Now - Dodie  
> Saturn - Sleeping at Last  
> Never Tear us Apart - Sleeping at Last  
> You Wouldn't Like Me - Sleeping At Last  
> Intertwined - Dodie  
> If I'm Being Honest - Dodie  
> Secret For the Mad - Dodie  
> She - Dodie  
> Best I Can - American Authors 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the soundtrack and the chapter. Please leave a comment and kudos if you enjoyed the chapter :)


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